An End & A Beginning

Today was such a productive day for me. 

I love having these days. 

They are my fave.

I finally made the returns to Target that I have been meaning to get to for about 2 months. Luckily for me Target has a 90 day return policy. I also payed my questar gas bill... for whatever reason this is the one bill that always slips my mind. I seriously need to get it on auto pay or something. I am totally that lady who gets the pink slip on the door for disconnect purely because the check that I wrote 2 months ago is still sitting nicely in my wallet. I went to Urban Renewal and dropped off some gently used items that I finally gave the eviction notice to.... it was hard to see them go but they had definitely overstayed their welcome.

I put away the boys' clothes that have been taunting me in a huge pile on the floor. It's like they were saying to me...

"oooo I'm gonna get cha"

every time I walked by. So I gave in and finally put them in their proper place.

I attended a modern class and I taught my pointe class today, so me and my old, worn out & out of shape body is tired.

But the thing I did today that was the "big thing" was a really big thing for me. 

Today was the day I said goodbye to one chapter of my life and hello to another. 

Today I packed up my car with 4 big Rubbermaid containers full to the brim of all of my babies clothing, bottles, blankets, receivers and shoes. One tupper contained the last set of baby bedding I will buy (at least for a while, God willing). And lastly I piled in the infant car seat and base that had been the mode of transportation for my tiny & very premature baby.

I remember putting his teensy little 4 pound body 

into the seat 

when he was a month and a half old 

and thinking that the straps would swallow him whole... 

and they did. 

We went all the way to Las Vegas just to get this car seat that would go down to 4 pounds. See the NICU has regulations that preemies must pass a car seat test and that the weight requirements are met. ie: if you have a 4lb 6oz baby and a 5lb & up car seat... no going home for baby. So... we had the special preemie car seat ready to go. (ps... Ash hit 5lbs the day before he went home so the very expensive, i mean preemie-safe, car seat was not needed after-all.)

Long story short, my sister in law Lyndsie will become the proud new owner of our gender neutral baby bedding and my soon to be step sister will be the proud new owner of the rest of it. (Sorry Lynz... I had already promised that stuff out. I will work on getting new stuff for the little padewon inside your belly.)

I cried a little bit as I left the UPS store with nothing but a bunch of empty Rubbermaid totes that had contained such important elements of the last 6 years of my life. Every onesie, every pair of shoes, every blanket, every everything triggers such a sacred memory of my babies lives.

I know they are only things and that the memories stay with me but it that knowledge did not help the twinge in my stomach as I unloaded the empty totes into my garage that had stored all of these memory keepers for so long.

I am so thankful for the stages that my boys are in now.... 

but I will always cherish those precious first years with my little ones.

It's a Wrap!

I know most people consider that Sunday is the beginning of the week... I am not one of those people. For me, Sunday is the end of my week. Sunday is the day we go to church (which is always an adventure), we come home and we catch up on all that has happened over the last week.

As the days go by and Josh's homecoming draws closer, I get more and more excited and anxious. I feel like I am nesting because I am on a mission to complete all my unfinished projects around the house and yard... and there are a few. I just want everything to be perfect when he gets back. Not that he will care honestly... lets be real here. The man has been gone for over a year. All he is going to care about is a good meal in his belly and well you can guess the rest. (he-he) But I am an annoying woman who feels like my house must be in perfect working order before he arrives... just as I did before the arrival of all of our children.

Currently I have been working on the kid's bedroom and playroom. Cohen was in his own room and the two little ones were sharing. Then C & T decided that they wanted to share a "sleeping room" and then have a playroom. So that is exactly what they got and mama loves it! Only one room to clean up!

I have also been working on downsizing a lot of our stuff. It is so refreshing to clean out the closets that always seem to be bursting at the seams with way to much stuff for one family. So out with the old... I swear we have enough hand towels to wash everyone's hands in St. George without having to share a towel. Well we did. Now the Hope Chest does.

I made a turkey this week which turned out amazing thanks to Deana Hansler's awesome "turkey in a paper bag" trick. The kids and I named him Bernie. This may have been a bad idea because Bernie was a huge turkey who weighed about 23 lbs and I had to get C & T to help me put him into the bag. T has been traumatized since and keeps asking if I am cooking Bernie for dinner. He has told me on multiple occasions how killing Bernie wasn't nice. I may be turning my son into a vegetarian.

The Highlight Reel:
C tried to cook T eggs with about 3 cups of olive oil.
T attempted to change A's CLOTH diaper in his crib.
A has attempted to eat dog food, legos & crayons all week.

Then we have the normal stuff that keeps us busy: school (me & C), doctors (everyone it seems like), Church (all of us), Ballet (me & C) and lots and lots of playing (all of us!). We have a great time together (normally) and are seriously ready for Daddy to be back with us in all of our adventures.

When I grow up I DO NOT WANT TO BE...

I have recently discovered that there are quite a few things that I am completely okay with not ever having to experience again. One of which has truly broken my heart. My sister in law and brother in law had to go out of town for the weekend and left their family pets home. They have a cat named Fenway (yes after the field where the Red Sox play) and a dog named Chewy (after Chewbaca from Star Wars). Chewy has been a part of their family forever it seems. He is a golden retriever and is a very sweet dog. He is annoying as all get out but over all he is a great dog. Recently Chewy has gotten sick and is riddled with tumors. He had a abscess grow on the back of his back leg that so graciously decided to burst open when I was babysitting my niece and nephew for my sister in laws birthday. So I played veterinarian that night and tried to clean the abscess and get him all bandaged up. It was awful but we got through it. So since that night he has just been not himself and I was starting to think maybe it was time for this old guy to run crazy in doggy heaven. Note to self... next time I think that I will recant... immediately. So fast forward to yesterday when I was over at my in laws house checking on things and getting Cohen from Kathy (a family friend who is watching my niece and nephew). I was running late trying to get what felt like a million things done so Kathy had picked up Cohen & Teagan from school and met me at the in laws home. So We get there and sure enough old Chewy was not looking so great. When we tried to get him to come inside he attempted to get up but then laid back down. After looking at him further, I realized he was panting and shaking pretty bad. I called my sister in law and then the vet. Long story short, after lots of phone calls, I loaded a 100+ pound dog into my car and off we went to McDonald's. I fed Chewy two huge cheeseburgers and an XL french fry..... in about 2 minutes. He as fat and happy, which was my goal because of the next stop I had to make. In that moment I became the grim reaper... off to take Chewy to meet his maker. As we got the the vet's office I began to cry. I walked in and the nurses were all very kind and the vet himself came out and got Chewy out of my car. After the vet examined Chewy, he explained to me that Chewy had some sort of neurological problem now, on top of the thyroid & tumors & abscess & whatever else problems there were. This neurological problem had spread and caused Chewy to lose control of his back legs.... which is why he couldn't stand on his own. The vet was so kind and reassured me over and over to let my sister in law & brother in law know that we were doing the right thing and that it was the best thing for Chewy. As Chewy laid there looking up at me with these big brown eyes, all I could think was that he seemed almost relieved and at peace with what was happening. It was like he knew and that he was happy to not have to be in pain anymore. I stayed with him as hte doctor inserted a very tiny needle into his vein in his front leg. I noticed the vet's hands were shaking and asked him if this ever got easier to do. He told me in the most gentle voice ever... "no. i hate every second of this." I felt the exact same way. I balled like a baby as he injected this pink liquid into this big old dog who was so loved by his family... the family that wasn't there. Chewy stared into my eyes the whole time and in what seemed like only a few seconds he laid his head down into my hands and took his final breath. I lost it completely at that point. They placed Chewy into a cadaver bag and into my car and I made my way back to my in-laws house. When I got there I was on a mission.... dig the best grave I can for this dog. So dig i did. I dug that grave in a perfect rectangle and about 3 feet deep. I was so caught up in the emotions of what had just happened that I didn't even notice time passing by. Some guys from our church came by and helped me put Chewy's body in the grave and we slowly replaced the the dirt back into the hole. I made a simple cross and placed it at the head of the grave site and painted Chewy's name right on it. I said a little prayer for my sister & brother in law and their children then made my way home. When I got home I hugged my baby boys so tightly and in that moment realized I have the very best job in the world.... and that when I grow up I NEVER want to be a vet.... their job is by far one of the worst!    

From where you are

This song came on my pandora today and i found myself sitting "criss cross apple sauce" in my kitchen floor bawling like a baby. 

I miss my husband. 

Some days are better than others. 

Today is hard.

Today is a struggle to get through dinner. 

Today is another day just like any other but for some reason today is harder than its been in a long time.

Maybe its because its almost over and the night is always the darkest before the dawn. 

I am ready for the dawn.

Lifehouse - "From Where You Are"

(Click here to listen to this amazing song)

57 days

As you may know, Josh has been gone for about 430 days. Yes... that is more than a year! More than a year without my best friend, more than a year without my partner, more than a year without the father of my children. This has been the best and one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.

Josh & I at Christmas time 2011

Ashten when Daddy left (8 months)

Ashten was only 8 months old when Josh left.... he will be 22 months when he gets back. Josh has missed almost ALL of his baby-ness. The boys and I all have changed in the 15 months. Change is inevitable and constant. I think that is what I am most worried about honestly.

Josh has changed so much during this deployment. He has become such a strong and mighty man of God and I am so proud of him. He is a man of his word & not too many men are these days. He works hard and he is so smart! He has always been all of these things but not ever to the extent he is now, if that makes sense.

Cheesy Chicken, Broccoli & Quinoa Casserole

And I have changed so much too! I mean for starters I COOK!!! :) That is a big one! When Josh left my version of a home cooked meal was heating up a Stouffer's lasagne. Well no more buddy... this mama meal plans, makes whole foods from scratch & can turn a pantry of nothing into an amazing 4 course meal. Needless to say I am pretty proud of myself. I have continued to dive deeper into the word of God and I have truly made strides in my effort to become a Proverbs 31 women.

When I was working for the City and going to school, I always thought I was a good mom. Well.... little did I know I was just playing mom and missing ALL THE GOOD STUFF!!!! My babies give me loves and cuddle and talk to me and we read together. For the first time I can honestly say that I feel like I am a GREAT MOM... well most days I feel like I am.

Cohen has now lost 2 teeth!

Cohen is so smart. He is way above grade level in every way possible but because of the downsides of public school he is having a hard time in class. Frankly, HE IS BORED OUT OF HIS MIND. So.... Josh & I have talked and weighed the pro's & con's and have decided that starting in June we will begin homeschooling our children full-time. We are going to start first grade with Cohen and probably end the year out ending second.

I absolutely adore his fashion sense & his cheesy smile!

Tallen will start the kindergarden curriculum and he is soooo excited about it! :) We have combined the boys into one room that we call the sleeping room and have turned the other room into the playroom/schoolroom. I am excited to team teach with my husband.

Ash now a days. (20 months)

Ashten is doing so great too. He is so fun and loving. He is a big time kisser and I am going to have to teach him that those kisses are only his mama's... well and daddy. ;)






Josh and I will both be back in school full-time starting summer term and it will be an adventure for sure. I am praying for a smooth transition back to being a whole family.

 

God knows my heart and he knows my desires. 

And I am keeping the faith that his love will carry us through this adventure... 

he always has! 

PS.... 57 more days!